Centered

I know I haven't written in awhile which has been a combination of several things.  Between work, quick road trips and getting sick - time has flown.  November was blur and October was no different.  I had a tough, long week getting to work with an amazing lady - Producer Elaine Martone, but then rushed off to the Lou where i had a most amazing trip with my family - picked up Rick at the airport and drove home to the Nati.  Whew!  As if that wasn't enough, I burned the candle at both ends putting together edits on a strict deadline and masters for other clients.  PLUS! I had recordings booked solid last weekend with Rick and I both booked on Saturday.  And then came what I thought were hives - from stress.  But nope!  The rash spread all over my body, even in my ears.  Time to go to the doc.  Good thing I did - I contracted a bacterial staph skin infection, YUCK!  Seriously!  So now I am on a good strong anti-bacterial and anti-inflammatory, and they are just kicking in.

What have I learned from the past three weeks.  It's time for change.  This season so far has been a pubradio scheduling nightmare!  Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of projects I love but I don't get enough time to work on them - and they don't come around often enough.  The rest, well - I am exhausted.  Literally - my immune system can show for it.  A bacterial infection like this should have been a cinch for my immune system - but being sleep deprived and stressed to the max?! Well, that just doesn't cut it anymore.  Time for me to fight back.  If not for myself, for my family.  

I took a sick day today.  Did some much needed yoga (oi! pigeon pose, my hips love you so GOOD!) and thought.  Thought and cooked, thought and ate, thought and vegged (I have major blog reading issues) and thought and hung out with the coolest dude ever (Soren, of course - I think even Rick would agree) - all the while avoiding the burning itch ALL over my body.

I am making some changes.  I am centering myself, so that I can be a stable part of this family.  I know stress is a part of everyday life, but this stress - there is nothing normal about.  It's time.

I love this picture.  This is a pic of my Brother, Dad and I with the chitlins - Soren and Avery.  Lovin' on the horses out at Three Corners Ranch (My Dad and Shauna's - SO beautiful out there!).  Courtesy of my sis-in-law, Arica.  It says it all.

While You Fall Asleep....

While you fall asleep, I think I will hold you just a little bit longer.  You're two now - and how fast you have grown... and how fast you go!  I don't get these moments much anymore.  You are so curious and fascinated by the world around you, I have learned to take advantage of your more subdued, rare breaks.  Tonight, you let me hold you while you fell asleep.

It's been awhile since I heard that sound.  I can almost hear your eyes grow heavy as I watch them sink to a close.  Your breath quiets to long hushes from the speedy gasps of toddler play.  The pacifier starts to hang outside of your mouth and then you start to dream.  I can feel the limp in your arms but somehow you maintain the shape to cuddle - to be held - to be protected.  My heart floods.  It floods this massive wave of love through the rest of my body.  A feeling I never felt until you came into this world, until you made me a mother.

Instantly, I start to wonder.  What will he discover tomorrow?  What new words will he put together?  What type of music will he listen to?  Will he go to school dances?  I hope he searches - never stops being curious.  I hope continues to explore and love every moment of this life.  I hope he finds love.

And then, I remember the words of a mother, fresh from our conversation yesterday.  Her daughter is 26 and has fled to a life of her own.  She says to me, 'think of your life as a meter stick.  This part here, barely a quarter of it - is your life before children.  This small just above an eighth of it, is your time with your babe, until he is about 10 years old.  Then this small eighth is from 10 until about 18 - and then he's gone.  He is living his own life.  At that point, you are only halfway through that meter stick.  Hold onto him.  Whenever you can - it goes that fast and is only for such a little amount of time.'

She's right, my sweet boy.  It has gone so fast.  It feels like just yesterday, your father looked at me with tears in his eyes as he brought you to my chest and told me we just had a little boy, Soren Paul.  That you were just learning to hold up that little head and learning to crawl.  I swear you were just furniture cruising and signing.  That can't be though - because you are so big now and already so independent.

So, for now - when you'll let me, I will hold you close.  Wipe a small strand of fine, golden hair from your brow and listen.  Listen to you breath and fall asleep.

xo

momma

Potty Time!

That's right!  I know a little boy that potty'd in the potty!  And not just any potty - the big potty (with a Sesame Street seat converter of course...).  But he did!  Our little man asked to sit on the toilet (pleeeeease!).  After being place on, he tinkled then said 'all done!', got down and flushed the toilet!  I am so pumped!!! (if you couldn't tell).  Not because he might be out of diapers soon, but because he is growing - more everyday.  This is just another obstacle he has conquered.  Watching Soren experience, learn and live is the most rewarding gift I could have ever asked for.

To capstone the day - we made sugar cookies with an heirloom favorite.

Dance partied in the living room, built table forts...

And snuggled.

Ahhh, a day in the life of this mother.  I couldn't ask for more.  My heart is a thousand times bigger and ready for a hectic week with B9 (Beethoven 9).  After our patch session Sunday, work will finally start slowing down and i will get more time with my dudes.

The Improbable

They say wisdom comes with age, I beg to differ.  For me,  wisdom began with Soren.  I always thought of myself as some-what wise - more intuitive than anything.  Now I feel like I know what wisdom is beginning to feel like... and wisdom says - we're just getting started.  Watching Soren grow has taught me so much about myself, about others... about life.​

​Soren's current lesson:  the improbable doesn't mean possibility isn't around the corner.  I know this might not make much sense, but to some it will definitely ring a bell.  I am reminded everyday as I watch Soren grow, do things he couldn't do before and discover the world around him - possibility is there!  Finding opportunity in every successful step, grab, reach and tumble.  He reminds me that even though it seems improbable now, that a different possibility is opening up.  It's seems like a karma or guru-type thing to say and this could be a result of reading some Herman Hesse, but it really makes all the sense in the world.   

I didn't know I would ever find a life long partner, and a recording project introduced me to him.  I didn't know I could or would be a mother, but Soren was the best unexpected surprise I could have asked for.  And now... I am planning for some change, hoping for some possibility.  And it seems improbable now - but not impossible, thanks to Soren.  ​

Here is an example of how Soren inspires, from inching, to crawling, walking and climbing.  From banging buttons, to pushing the receiver, waving, holding a phone - to saying hello and holding a very, very important conversation.​  Plus - it's just plain adorable.  Enjoy!