Defeating the role of "Step-Dad"

One of the hardest things that I’ve run into in my time as being the “Step-Dad”, is the stereo type and bias that comes with the title. The notion that you are just a replacement, that your “Step-Child” isn’t actually YOUR child.  That you must toe the line between trying to please everyone and trying to be the Father figure you want to be.  Luckily, I have a very loving and supportive wife who is willing to call me out (in private, not conflicting authority in front of the kids) and confront me when she feels that I’ve crossed these boundaries, but is also willing to let me step past the stereotypical role of “Step-Dad”.

no need for a gym membership when you are 'daddy playground' to three five-year-old boys.

My biggest struggle has been making sure that I am treating my “Step-Son” as just that, a Son.  I constantly have to check myself.  Am I being too hard on him?  Am I treating him differently?  Am I treating him fairly?  All of these questions and more run through my head with every decision I make when interacting with Soren.

the boys are so strong I didn't have to cut the tree down - they pushed it to the ground!  all those push ups for 'every toy still left out' have paid off *wink

As such, I have slowly come to see him AS my Son and have learned a few things on this journey.  But what I propose to any other Step-Dads out there, are these few things I have learned and the many things I still have yet to learn:

1:  Establish your role as Step-Father

  • You don’t want to try to replace the Bio-Dad

  • Be a safe place

2:  Involve your new Step-Child

  • Include him in your daily routines

  • Create new routines for just the two of you

3:  Work with your partner

  • No one knows your Step-Child like your partner (they are the biological parent after all)

  • Talk about the boundaries and values you wish to instill

And lastly, and by far I think to be the most important… stop thinking of yourself as “Step-Dad”!

The definition of a Dad: dad [dad]  NOUN1. Informal -- one’s father
The definition of a Father: father [fa'ther]  NOUN1. D. -- A man who raises a child

So by definition, are you not your Step-Child’s Father, and your Step-Child not - your Child?

authored by Trent Crutcher

Around Here - Learning

Always learning we are (how very Yoda of my grammar is).  Apologies for the slap happy humor.  Hanging out with three five year old boys has that effect.

We are sustaining around here - getting into a groove with our new schedules.  Truly enjoying time together - the boys love, fight and laugh the typical quota - make me laugh as hard as a mother can laugh (and let's be honest, cry), mediate and snuggle.  We have parent/teacher conferences this week which are a hoot with Kindergartner/Pre-Schoolers (I also say things like 'rice and beans' and 'oh shucks', yep).  The kids are all reading us bedtime stories which is super rad, constructing like crazy and constantly begging for more time to run outside (even with fevers - they are certifiably crazy and eating us out of house and home 'MOOOOOOORE!!!').

I am still learning how to snag time to myself - which ultimately means waking up early.  Like EARLY, early.  I will repeat the learning and 'working on it' part.  But I do feel the difference and it's pretty astounding.  Reading this gem and drinking plenty of tea.  

Watching my coffee and caffeine intake has really aided with my crabby attitude in the middle of the day.  I'm sustaining energy more than I used to.  Not sure if it's just a 'my' body thing or a science, thoughts?  Maybe more on that in the future.

Been blog perusing as usual and came across these favorites:

1.  This first tattoo is beautiful.  I love the simple lines and floral design.

2.  My grandfather was just diagnosed with cancer and fighting strongly through his first rounds of Chemo.  I look forward to reading this book and getting some perspective.

3.  This video is hilarious.  I know people just like this #instagramhusband

4.  Really really really (did I say really?) want to make this calendar for our family.  WE NEED IT!!! MUST HAVE IT!!! Our next DIY if I ever get the robes done.

5.  Making this gem tonight for dinner.  Thank you Deb for your incredible recipes and helping me feed children all these years.  They LOVE this one.

That's all I've got for now.  Have a good week!

Kiddos Say - 'Not In Real Life'

This is so good.  And shows SO much of the kid's personalities.

The twins went to the Museum Center and were telling Soren and I about the model train station of the city of Cincinnati.  I asked if they'd seen the incline.  I wasn't sure, but thought it was either Clifton's or Mt Adam's.  Mayer wasn't sure and Marley asked me what it was.  I explained it.  Marley proceeded with :

MR:  'That sounds neat.  But it didn't exist.'

Me:  'But it did.  Really it did.  That's how they were able to get home from downtown.  The hills were too big for horses or to walk.  They still use these in other states and countries!'

MR:  'I know.  But that never existed here.  Not in Cincinnati.  Not in real life.'

Me:  'But how would they have gotten their groceries home?'

MA:  'Right, bubs.  They'd be WAAAAAY to heavy to carry.  It is REAL!'

Me:  'A bike maybe?'

SP:  'Nah.  It'd still be too heavy.  The hill is TOO big!  It's real.  Really, real.  You'd get way too tired. '

MR:  'No.  It's not real.  Not in real life.  Not ever.'

This conversation lasted all the way to Findlay Market - a 15 minute drive.  The three of us ended up shrugging our shoulders after Marley said:

MR:  'I'm not talking to you guys (SP and MA) anymore, I'm having a conversation with myself.'

And proceeded to tell himself 'it didn't exist here in Cincinnati.  Not in real life'.  Marley's tenacity is incredible.  I admire it.  When he has his mind made up, there is no convincing him otherwise.  Even with stone cold evidence.  Like this picture:

The other two are just as strong willed in their own ways, obviously since the conversation lasted 15 minutes.  

This also reminds me of the Louis C.K. skit about his 3-year-old (which is hilarious, but warning, there is profanity).  He offers his daughter a 'Fig Newton'.  She says - 'They're not called Fig Newtons, they are called PIG Newtons!'  He responds with 'No honey.  They are called FIG newtons.'  She says 'No!  You don't know!  You don't know!  They are called Pig Newtons!'.  He responds with 'Oh really? I don't know?  I don't know? Dude, I'm not even using my memory right now.  I'm reading the box! It says it!!  Where are you getting your information on this one?!  You are three, I am 41!!'.    

His explanation though, how it didn't 'exist in real life', does remind me of this Key and Peele.  'He is short.  But you are actually short - in real life, in the world.'  Totally unrelated but hilarious.

Parenting - Taking Care of Me

A little while back, I came across a post in my Facebook news feed about parenting with grace, from a mother frustrated with her own ungraceful parenting moment.  And in the media, there is this great article about a mother currently under praise and scrutiny for her honesty.  These got me thinking.

Why is that?  Why not embrace the honesty of parental experience?  Why should it be such an anomaly?  And thank you!  To the mothers so willing to share.  It’s tough peeps.   

I’m female (duh) so I can only provide a woman’s perspective (apologies men - but you have your blogs too) - and sociologically as women, today - we parent, we wife, partner, spouse or single parent, we cook, clean and keep a house - and work.  At least from my experience.  And I’ve learned that many of these are my ‘isms’.  I love having a tidy home, a warm home cooked meal with my family each evening, watching the kids grow and help them when they ask.  I love talking to my husband - hearing about his day.  And between all of that I work - full time.  

So, here is the million dollar question.  Do I get time? heh, learning.  What I’ve realized and not on my own - with the help of an incredible counselor and my husband - is that I have to MAKE the time - the dishes can wait.  It’s up to me really.  To put my foot down and say ‘no’ (nope - not good at this), carve out certain times of the day for me (guiltlessly.  psh - yeah right?!) and scream for help (our code word is ‘KEEP! KEEP!’ which makes me chuckle before I lose my sanity).  And when I ask for it - be prepared to instruct.  Because if I’m not present, then it shows. Quite ungracefully.

I notice it most when my constant repetitive instruction comes into play, you know - ‘so and so - please, go grab such and such’, ‘don’t put that chair over there’, ‘fold that blanket, please’, ‘get ready to go, I’ve said it three times?!!’, (mumble) 'or you could wash the dishes', etc….  Some call it nagging and with my husband it becomes passive aggressive (bleh!).  When I am full - when I have taken care of myself, fed my soul - instructions are constructive.  Cooperative.  We work together and with that pride, joy and warmth exude.  We are a team.  It's also important for the kids to see what it means to take care of yourself so you can unselfishly, empathetically - whole heartedly with intention - be there for someone else.

So I am learning (mostly without grace.  you know what? screw this grace thing - malarky) to take care of myself.  Read, blog, take pictures, drink a WARM cup of tea in guiltless silence, really watch my family at dinner, be a part of the arts (check out this Cincinnati Ballet video - breathtaking, I've watched it twice already) - talk to my family.  These are me.  I am a mother, an audio engineer, a wife - but above all, I am Chelsea.  I am me.

Married Life - In the Service

Being married to a Serviceman.  Honestly, not a path I would have predicted for myself years ago.  Both married AND to a serviceman.  

I wasn't the 10 year old girl that dreamed of her princess dress and every detail of the day she would be wed.  I was imagining myself in surgeon scrubs (which clearly never happened) or on archeological digs discovering the next big fossil.  Which I attribute to my nose being stuck in books, my mother's continued lecturing about being self-sufficient (thank you!) and watching my father's insatiable work ethic.

But I've already covered the wedding.  This is about who (or whom - Peyton, grammar help??) I have married.  My husband served 4 years active duty in the Army as a Cavalry Scout in Hawaii (don't ask me to say this in person.  I often say 'Cav Scout' since I can't properly pronounce 'Cavalry'.  Just doesn't roll off the tongue for me.) and is now serving his second and last year in the National Guard while in the Cincinnati Police Academy. He has traveled all over the world training with different country's militaries and now travels once a month to an Armory to continue his service with the Guard.  I will let him share his perspective on that one.

My husband chose the original Army dress greens for our wedding.  Along with a Stetson and Spurs - Cavalry Scout formals.  He wears his service proudly as he finishes his last year with the National Guard and continues his career as a Police Officer.  My brother, behind him spent countless hours becoming a Paramedic and now saves lives  He puts himself in situations that are difficult for us to hear.  Like my husband, he does this proudly..

And...no.  We weren't married during his time in Hawaii.  I don't even pretend to walk in those shoes.  Raising two children on an army base far from home with their father on training missions several weeks out of the year.  No, my time comes after that.  I hear the stories.  I see the frustration.  I witness the wisdom that came from those years.  

We ask civilians (men and women) to give their lives, under contract, for our freedom, liberties and rights.  For little pay and respect.  I am not pointing fingers, I know many in this country support our troops.  But what does that even mean?  Putting a sticker or magnet on a car?   Or a sincere conversation about what it takes to serve, what it means to those that do and the families that support them both during and after their service.  Like how long it takes to get health care bills paid or receiving academic funds for books after the semester is completed.  My husband said recently that he believes everyone should serve in some capacity.  Then politicians, upper administration and civilians would have perspective on what it means to be a Servicemen.

A year ago.  I would have adimately disagreed.  Now - I feel very differently.  According to the New York Times and Pew Research Center

'less than 1 percent of the Amercian population has been on active military duty.'  

This is a pretty astounding gap.  But the result is

'a military far less connected to the rest of society, a condition that some academics have said might not bode well for the future of military-civilian relations (the military is run by civilians).  Others have warned that less connection between the military and the rest of society could lead to less-informed decisions about whether to go to war, because conflicts and the people who fight them are not part of most people's everyday lives.'

This doesn't mean everyone should run out and join Combat Arms.  No, that's not what I'm saying.  But to have known someone that has chosen that path and continues to serve now as a Policeman (or sister of a Paramedic) grants serious perspective.

There is much more to discuss such as pay (most Servicemen make salaries below the poverty line), lifestyle (the dependapotamus, yes - this is a thing), and how Servicemen are treated after active duty.  More on that to come.  All comments welcome - it's a discussion not just worth having but necessary.